Re-start

OK, not been very good at this.

Basically, my first fill was very traumatic.  It scared me off from getting more and I just didn't trust the doctor to know what he's doing.  I also had a little issue of money - $100 a pop is just too much.  So I survived on one fill of 3ml from November til now.  I slowly started to eat whatever I wanted until I had gained all but 500 grams of the weight back again.

That all changed today.  I went to a new doctor.  This one not only bulk bills (sends bill to government to pay) and I pay $10 for the needle, she is also probably the most experienced person in Australia at this.  She was the buisness partner of Dr. George Fielding who is kinda the father of lapbands in Australia (and now works in USA).  So what she doesn't know, you don't wanna know.

I was basically a mess.  Felt like I was going to throw up - and the suite being up on the 5th floor didn't help - fear of heights and all that.  But I made it.  She gave me a small local to help with my anxiety - hey, if its all numbed, then I'm not going to feel anything anyway and it was over in a flash.  I am now the proud owner of 5ml in my band!  woo hoo.

So, today its liquids, tomorrow its moosh and then back onto good food.  Only its back to eating healthy, sensible, weightloss friendly foods.  No more bread and coke!  Yes, I'm ashamed to admit, I've been having these every day.

Oh and my first PB was 2 weeks ago on KFC - but then a lot of people have their first on that.

Statistics Update

M'Ment.....Was.............. Now
Height:....151cm............Same
Weight:...107.5 kilo.......101 kilo

Bust:.......132cm............132cm
Arm:..........38.5cm...........38.5cm
Waist:......122cm............115cm
Hips:........137.5cm.........133cm
Thighs........71.5cm.......... 68cm

Total..............................13.5cm


Going by the measurements, not a whole lot has changed. I don't look different in the mirror, my weight isn't all that much different really and yet I'm getting into smaller clothes. In the end, its the clothes I go by.

Its in the jeans

It has been a while since I posted. In the meantime, I spent a week over xmas with my family in Melbourne. I didn't focus on my diet while there, but then I didn't eat a whole lot at meal times either. Did do a bit more chocolate and chocky covered nuts that I would have liked!

Got back to Brissy and got a lovely case of gastro, so not much eating then either. Well, gastro is over now (almost) and I'm back to feeling hungry and eating again. Think is, I'm not really eating all that much. I'm filling up on coffee and still getting stuck into the coke zero. Not supposed to I know, but I'm having no side affects that I can see.

Still only have 1 fill despite being banded end of October. I was due to go in end of December, but doc would be on holidays then, so left it. Have booked in and next one will be 18 Feb. I'm not in a huge hurry because I want the weight loss to be permanent. I also want to give my body time to adjust and the skin to shrink back.

Great news is I can now fit into clothes I haven't been able to wear for a very long time. I even fit into some clothes that I bought for "one day" and haven't been able to wear before. Best news is, I got up this morning and tried my size 18 jeans. These jeans have no give in them. They are an 18, end of story. I got these jeans, put them on could just do them up, then stacked on a whole lot of weight. So, never worn them. Well, they now fit. I need to lose about 1 cm off my tum for them to be really comfy, but I could wear them now without them being too uncomfy. Just couldn't do a lot of bending over. This is wonderful news and I feel really excited about it.

Statistics Update

M'Ment.....Was.............. Now
Height:....151cm............Same
Weight:...107.5 kilo.......Same

Bust:.......132cm............132cm
Arm:..........38.5cm...........38cm
Waist:......122cm............117cm
Hips:........137.5cm.........134cm
Thighs........71.5cm.......... 69.5cm

Total..............................11.5cm

Update.

I shaved my legs last night, all the way up and around. Not a big deal, except I haven't been able to do it for over 8 months. My flexibility is coming back. yah!

I've also noticed I eat much less than I used to. My clothes are getting baggier and generally, its all way much better. Just wish my tummy would go down some more so I can get more pants a size smaller.

Am looking at tweaking the Atkins diet now, to get high protein and low carb into me and see if that can speed up the weight loss at all.

As soon as I can find the tape measure, I'll do some more measuring.

First fill

I had my first fill on Thursday just gone. Not a pleasant experience I can tell you. The doctor couldn't find the port, so after a few tries, sent me round to xray so they could do it. So I have anxiety about getting it done, apprehension because I've just had an unpleasant experience which did involve some pain and now I have anxiety because I have a severe fear of heights and I now have to walk around a building I don't know.

Wouldn't be an issue for most people, but for me it appears fraught with danger. There might be stairs I have to walk passed that you can see down (which means to my mind I'm up high) and there was. There might be windows to walk passed which show you are a few floors off the ground (there was those too). I get flight or fight syndrome very badly. So with all this going on, I go to xray. I had a local anesthetic and was told it would hurt a bit, but actually it didn't hurt at all. And thank goodness I had it too, because I could feel the pressure he put into putting the needle in.

Officially I've lost 5.1 kilos. I'm very happy with that. Its hard enough to lose weight as it is, but PCOS makes it even harder. I'm looking forward to even more coming off soon.

Now I have nausea every time I eat and the hiccups every time I eat or drink anything. *sigh*. No, its not going to be an easy journey, but I will get there in the end. I'm just learning how to work with my new best bud is all.

Changes

Things I've noticed so far:

*I"m going longer between needing to eat. Even if I do feel hungry, I seem to be able to wait it out much better, there's not the overwhelming need to stuff my face.

*My clothes are looser. Even my work pants are bigger around the stomach, which has always been the one place it never seemed to move from.

*I have more energy. I'm chasing the kids at work and I'm getting to the end of a work day, tired but not drained.

*I really have no desire for coke, chocolate or lollies anymore.


Just small things, but they mean a lot to me. It means it is all working and I am losing the weight, its just going to be at a much slower pace than most. Until I get to a certain point I reckon. Then the PCOS will go into remission and the loss will speed up.

Was supposed to go to dietitian this week, but there was a stuff up with dates and stuff, so it ended up being cancelled. Next appointment is 17th December. I will be heaps skinnier by then. Certainly, I will have had a fill and it will be paying off.

The way forward

I work in child care, which you know if you follow this blog. Child care was never a vocation for me. It is for my sister, but not for me. I had spent 7 years traveling and working around Australia when I came to Queensland. I met my partner the same day I arrived and a month later moved from where I'd met him to Brisbane. A few months after that we moved in together. So I figured, new state, new man what about a new career? It was down to child care or aged care. I preferred aged care, but child care left my weekends free.

Now 4 year's later, it has done what it needed to do. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my job. I do have a good time at work and when outside with the children, I get in and play with them rather than stand around - makes the time go faster. Its just not the career for me is all.

So, I've decided to listen to my heart, my conscious, my soul, my guardian angel - whatever you call it. I've known most of my life that I was here to help people to heal. I've known since I was 22 that I would one day have a meditation and relaxation retreat. I've also known what it would be called. Never did it though, why? Dunno, but I think partly I never felt like I 'deserved' it.

Now I've decided its time to stop mucking about and wasting time and to make moves in that direction, so to this end, I've enrolled to study Western Herbal Medicine. It will take me 3 years and cost me just under $13,500 to complete, but that's OK. I will try to do as much as possible earlier on so I can speed it up a bit, but I'm committed to the 3 years if that's what it takes.

I've had a love-hate relationship with herbs. I have rather perfectionist personality (you wouldn't guess with my weight problem and all, now would you?), and I really hate to do something if I don't know anything about it. Kinda dumb I know cause there was always a point when I had to learn something new. Anyway, the spiritual side of me says this was simply to keep me away from all of this until I was ready. Now I'm ready.

I'm not going to just stop with herbalism though, I want to expand and learn other things, like NLP or Bowen Therapy, but all in good time. For now, just working full time and studying will be enough. I have definitely placed my feet on a new path and I like it.

Feed me!!!!!!!!!

Well, work went OK. 2 days back was enough for the first week, mind you, its back to 5 days next week.

Off to see the dietitian first thing in the morning. Finger's crossed she says I can start back on 'real' food on Tuesday. I'm at the point now where I'm hungry all the time and the only thing that stops me eating myself sick is I just don't have enough food in the house for me to do that.

Off to a lapbanders lunch get together today. I went to my first one about 3 months ago and it went well. Am looking forward to going back now that I'm on the other side. I'm just going to order some nice soup. Failing that, some mashed potato will do (with some cheese in it perhaps?)

I got into a house cleaning mood last night, so I was up til 4am cleaning the house. It really needed it and I felt good doing it too. I have a couple of boxes in the dining room to remove and then its back to being a dining room. I straightened up all the books in the lounge area so the 2 small bookshelves there look really neat and tidy for the first time. Just got a shelf in the dining room to do and that's done.

I mopped floors, I wiped down walls and the skirting boards (which don't get done enough I'm afraid) and generally felt great. Not so great was then only getting 3 hours sleep because Beloved burnt his breakfast and the smoke alarm went off.

End of time off

I rand the surgeon's nurse today. Apparently, my hunger is most likely gas pains and I need to keep taking degas tabs to deal with it.

Back to work tomorrow. Not looking forward to it, but then again I am. It will give me something else to do with my time besides hang around the house getting more of nothing done. It also means I will have money to do other things *sigh*

My clothes are roomier now, my top is starting to hang off me which is nice. Not all clothes of course, oh no! Not my work uniform, but my casual clothes. My jeans are fitting me just nicely.

Back to work tomorrow. I have a list of dates to request late shifts (which won't be a problem) and then to request a day off because of doctor's appointments, (might be a bit trickier). Haven't put down the 3 days I need off before we close because we're flying to Melbourne. Didn't want the list to appear like I was making demandds. I did mention the trip at my interview and it was agreed to, just need to remind her closer to that time, like 2 weeks before.

Jumbled thoughts

The day after I got home I started to clean the house. It had been a mess for so long and I'd had enough. It took me all day to do the lounge and kitchenette, but it was worth it. Then I started on things in the dining room.

Not long after that I felt a bit dejected. The weight was not visibly shrinking from me, before my eyes. Totally unrealistic I know, but after years of yo-you dieting when you finally find something that could potentially be your last resort and its worked so well for others, you do develop unrealistic expectations. Consciously, I knew it was going to take a while. Its going to take me the first month just to get back to where I was before it all started and then - only because I'm back on normal eating and back to normal life - will the weight start to come off properly.

It was the unconscious expectation which I hadn't dealt with. I think this has been my sabotage point in the past. Not realising how strong those expectations are. No matter how much I say to myself that slow weight loss is actually better for me and I shouldn't be expecting anything right now, I still feel a bit dejected. Sad that those expectations aren't be realised. Silly really, but the mind is a funny thing. So today, I decided to give myself some space. Yes its going to happen. Yes its going to take longer than expected. So what?

I'm feeling so much better about myself to day. I'm back to cleaning again. I'd given up on all of it and just laid around the house moping. The big, grand change hadn't happened the way I'd expected it to. In a way, I blame tv. They show you people on a journey and in 30 minutes or 1 hour, the people have gone from woe to whoa!! But that time frame has covered maybe 18 months in reality? It just doesn't mess in the head. So those sorts of shows are out I think.

I've decided that if I do a little housework each day, I won't get back to where its a trash heap and needs a major clean. I tend to be lazy in this area and not do these things. So, when I was washing the dishes before, I gave the cupboards a wipe over. Very simple and took 2 minutes and you know what? If I do that every 2nd day, they'll never need to be scrubbed again!

Tomorrow I tackle the bathroom. Its clean, it just needs to have the bottom of the shower scrubbed and the floor mopped (I'm not that much of a slob!!!). I'm starting to 'get' all things in moderation. I've never really got that concept before. Never put it into practice before. Now I'm understanding what it means and why it works.

More than that though, I think it reflects some kind of mind change I've gone through since surgery. The inside must match the outside for harmony. A yin-yang thing. Well, the physical must match the mental and the house must match what's going on in the head. Before my head was chaotic, nothing was in order and my thoughts were never about looking after myself and maintaining myself. So with the house. Now that the house is getting some balance back, I can see that also happening with me, with how I look after me.

Only 2 more days left then its back to work. A little concerned with that. Will I cope with the work load? It can be physically demanding on a person and I just wonder how I am going to be at the end of the day.

Food, glorious food!

I'm enjoying this stage. I have to mash everything to mashed potato consistency, but at least its real food. I can eat pretty much whatever I want now, because there isn't a whole lot of it! For deserve I made apple crumble. I had mine mooshed with cream and I gotta say, it was soooooo nice.

I've found my 'too much' point. I get a stabbing pain under my right breast when I've eaten too much for the band. Why the right side? No idea.

The changes

Well, looking at me overall, you can't see that much of a change, but I've been taking pix of my face as well. There I can see the change. What I notice is my nose is starting to look a lot bigger!! Think I can see a nose job in my future!

The first was taken the morning after surgery. The second this Wednesday just gone, which was 8 days out and the third, today, which is 12 days out.

Oh woe!

Last night was a lesson for me in the power of the band. I was hungry around 10.30 last night and we didn't have anything in the house that was appropriate for me to eat (not enough protein, can't blend that down, blah blah blah), so I decided to make myself a milk shake. Its just milk, baking cocoa and honey. Very rich chocolate flavour and nicely sweetened by the honey.

Anyway, I had a lot of pain last night. It shot out to the right and under my breast and felt like someone had carved a line there with a knife, then left it stuck in. When I awoke this morning it was gone. But I was in tears last night. I think the drink was way too much (about 3 times as much) and way too cold. It quite possibly 'froze' the band and caused it to shrink.

This morning I had some porridge and waited 35 minutes to have my coffee. I'm not feeling any pain, but I don't have that 'full' feeling either. In fact, my stomach feels like it does just before it starts to give me the ravenous signals. I'm having to learn to ignore my body's physical signals because I can't get the food down there now. Its a horrible place to be in. I guess after a while it will do things to my head, but not a pleasant way to do it.

Moving on

Saw dietitian today. I'm now progressing to the mushy stage of this life change. I'll be eating around 1/2 cup of mooshy 5 times a day. 3 meals and 2 snacks. Not a lot of food, but I have to be careful not to stretch the pouch at this stage.

She was concerned when I said I could feel the band. It seems some fluid was put in during the operation, so I've had some restriction all along. At least I know I'm not going ga-ga. Will be confirming this soon though.

I feel really good about moving on to the next stage. I can't have food the way others do yet, but at least its real food! No more meal replacements shakes until I get a fill. Its suggested you go back on liquids for 24 hours after a fill, so I will keep them in the cupboard for that, but the rest of the time, its food! food! food!