Secret to happiness

I want my life to be happy. I want it to be deeply satisfying. I've been watching docos on tv (can you tell) and what seems to be repeatedly coming across is sense of community and not having a great number of possessions seems to be key to satisfaction.

One doco was about a young woman from the UK (Ok she was 35, but that's till young) who went to live with the Kuna Indians half way around the world from her. She was accepted as a daughter and in the month she was there, many of her wounds from childhood were healed. What struck her was that nobody was ever 'alone'. She went to sleep one day and woke to a row of tiny heads of the children all just watching her sleep. There were few possessions and everything was shared with everyone.

The other doco was about 4 women on a spiritual quest who went to live in a convent with the poor Clare sisters. Again, a simple life and a community spirit really did seem to give these women peace. Their idea of friendship was to be inclusive of all around. They did have a rule that your bedroom was your own and no-one was allowed in there. It was to have your own private sanctuary, but I also suspect it might be to stop any possibility of sex happening between the women, not because it would be gay, but because they'd taken a vow of celebacy.

But it really does bring to mind the question about western life. What is so great about the way we live? What is so great about having possessions and climbing over others to get to the top, to be 'the Joneses'? What the hell is so good about alienating everyone around you just so you can say you are number 1?

I'm thinking about this, can you tell? I don't think achieving your dreams is it. Many people achieve their dreams, then its 'now what'? Happiness needs to be a state you are in whether you achieve those dreams or not. Its more fundamental than dreams. More essential. More simple. Don't get me wrong, I think we all need to have dreams, we all need to have goals, I'm just saying the attaining of them isn't what makes happiness. There are people who live in what we westerners would call primative societies in isolated places in the world who have dreams, but they relate to the society they live in. So where we may dream of big houses and huge cars, they dream of getting married and having healthy children, or being a good member of their society. In their case, I think obtaining the dreams are a part of happiness, because they focus on social bonding.

I think that's it. I think its the social bonding that is important, but not just a group of friends who get together. I think it needs to be much deeper than that, a sense of not being able to live without these people in your life. I think we in the west have lost that and probably that has much to do with our downfall, why we are failing.

I once designed a community revolving around a communal kitchen/space and I also wrote down a list of 'rules' you would need if you decided to set up a communal house, similar to a convent situation. I think this might be part of what makes me happy that is missing. I don't have a community. I have my partner and a friend or two, but none of them have that sense of commitment that I'm talking about here, not even my partner. The sense that if you lost each other the world would literally end.

I always thought that needing someone that much made me psychologically damaged. I'm not saying needing to be wrapped around someone 24 hours a day forever, as though you are conjoined twins! I'm talking about them being around and if something happened to them, you would fall apart. So called simplier cultures have that. Children are born into it right from the start. In the west, we've lost it. If you are lucky to find someone you will spend a good 10+ years with, its going to take (sorry, just interupted by JWs there)...you that long to get anywhere close to that sort of connection I am talking about.

So I don't think I am needy after all. I don't think I've got it so wrong and I don't need to ask myself anymore 'why do I need someone in my life so much?' I used to think it was part of my broken brain that I needed to have someone in my life to 'take care of me'. But its not that at all. I am simply aware of that deep need that we all have. Its because I found Beloved and now have that connection to someone that I have been able to balance and to reach out and try things. I think it actually makes me a more healthier person. I have that intense need yes, I need them all the time, but I don't need to be around them all the time. I can go and do my own thing, I just need that connection to always be there.

So, now the question comes, what else do I need to make me happy? Its not about want. We will always have want with us, its about need. And I think I was onto something when I became interested in simple living. I think it really is about living as simply as possible. To have as little as possible and to be able to breathe and just be in your own space.

Starvation

The pain in my spine is less today. I realised yesterday that I've been starving. Not, 'gee I'm hungry' starving, but literally starving. My body didn't have enough energy to maintain itself. Pain is a classic sign of this in me.

So, I've upped my caloric intake. I'm having my shakes that I'm supposed to have, but also having chocky custard with cream added. I have to say, add a bit of honey and lemon and its delicious!! I'm also having my home made soup, gatorade and fruit juice.

I am feeling much better. I feel more energised and happier.

Bumpy ride

Its been a bit of a bumpy ride for me the last few days. Having mood swings doesn't help.

Yesterday I was feeling sort of trapped. I had frustration and boredom feeding each other. I was wrecking my brain trying to come up with a career path I want to follow. I think I'm feeling that life is passing me by and I'm going to miss some glorious, golden opportunity. Of course, this isn't unusual for someone who feels they've spent all their life hiding and letting chances pass by.

Today I feel much better. It can be hard to remember sometimes that I've only had surgery a week ago and still very much in the recovery phase. I'm very much learning to look after myself now. I've never really done that before. Never felt I deserved it really. I deserved to be fat, which meant I deserved to be a failure.

I don't think being fat is being a failure. It was just in my mind I felt I was being punished for something. It goes back a long time to being abused as a child, but that's neither here nor there. For me personally, being fat felt like I was being punished. Now I've been given the key I've been seeking all my life to get rid of the fat and that's gonna screw with your mind.

So today, I feel much better. A lot to do with it being bright blue and sunny today, instead of grey. I'm allowing myself to relax, to take the time I need to do absolutely nothing. I'm also being really gentle with myself and making sure I get everything I need. I'm taking the vitamins I'm supposed to, I'm taking the fibre powder I'm supposed to. I'm not excessively 'eating'. Looking after myself, being gentle with myself is a new experience for me.

Moving forward

Last night was the first time I've been able to sleep completely flat since surgery. Until now I've found sleeping with my feet raised helped ease things. I went to sleep this way, but woke up flat out and not in any pain.

There appears to be less gas pain today as well.

Stuck

I'm beginning to feel a little miserable and sorry for myself. Its only been 3 days since surgery and I'm not expecting to be bouncing out windows or anything, but I had kind of hoped the pain would be gone by now. It still comes. Not all the time thank goodness, but when it does come it bloody well hurts.

I'm feeling stuck. I feel like I want to move forward with my life. I want to be moving on with losing weight while I'm motivated and I really want my life to mean something. I'm just feeling all gung-ho I guess, which isn't a bad thing but probably not terribly realistic at this stage.

I'm planning a lot of make-over stuff. My teeth aren't the greatest, so I plan on getting a bit of work done on those and I also want to have a nip & tuck done down the track. Bound to be some bumpy bits.

But mostly, my thoughts are turning to career. What do I want to do with my life?

I've never really felt free before, to just do what I wanted. I've always been conscious about my weight and used it to stop me doing a hell of a lot of things. My greatest passion always was acting. I never did it. Too fat I would tell myself, but what really stopped me was too self-conscious of my size. I can't really complain though, because I had a lot of bad shit happen to me when I was a kid and I've spent most of my life in recovery from that.

However, now is different. I feel like I have this warrior inside me slowly waking up. There is no excuse anymore. I'm going to lose this weight because I have my new best mate to help me. Sure the 'getting to know you' stage is turning out to be a bit more challenging than I first thought, but its not really that bad I guess.

So, my future. For the first time in my entire life I feel like I'm finally going to be free of my past. I'm going to be released from all the baggage, have no excuses anymore. I suppose that could be terrifying, but for me, its exciting. I've spent a year leading up to the operation, working through mind changes so I would be ready for this and now I feel like nothing can stop me - except this pain at the moment of course.

So what do I want to do with my self? I have no idea. I do have a passion for cooking and food in general. Not because I'm fat and like to eat it, but because I don't know how to work with it properly. Sounds strange I know, but I've always been fascinated by what I don't know. I think chefs are amazing and I want to know what they know.

But do I want that as a career? No idea, and now isn't really the time to be making that sort of decision. I am going to do a cookery course, I know that much, but if it goes onto a career is another matter.

Another thing about this pain that concerns me, is I'm going back to work in 2 weeks. Will I be ready for work? Will the pain have stopped by then?

On the other side

Where has the time gone? Its been 2 weeks since I posed in here.

Well, I did really well on the diet for one week, then I just couldn't cope. I didn't have the energy I needed in order to do my job, so I took up eating extra food. Of course, bread was part of that. In the end I lost 2.4 kilos, which was mostly water retention, but I've also lost cms all over, so that's OK.

The operation was Wednesday (2 days ago). I wasn't prepared for the amount of pain I would experience. Both shoulder blades, my spine and along the right shoulder top and up my neck into my head were in pain. It was like I had caught a chill or something. Most of the gas has gone now (farted - the usual way) and most of the pain. I still have the occasional twinge in my shoulder, but now I can feel the cuts more. At first they were just sore, but now they also feel tender. I also discovered I have an allergy to the surgical tapes used on my dressings *sigh*

Well, its been water and apple juice since the op. I was given clear chicken soup on the night of the op and I've had 2 cupasoups since, but no real nutrition. I've also been really hungry. I called my dietitian today and got the good news, I can now move on to other liquids besides clear. Can't have huge amounts, but at least I can have something with a bit of flavour in! I'm allowed to have milk shakes now - woohoo.

This morning I did a bit of tidy up around the house. Nothing strenuous, but I am sick of looking at the place in a mess. I've decided there are no excuses anymore. This is my life and I need to take some control of it. I get to say what happens. I get to decide how it will be lived. I think I've hidden behind my fat for far too long.

Diet beginnings

The diet proper starts tomorrow. Tonight I am having a shake for dinner and then its nothing but shakes for the next 2 weeks. After the operation, it will be clear liquids for a day or 2, then shakes for 2 weeks. Then I'll be able to add other foods, but they still have to be really soft, mashed potato soft!

Think of me when you sit down to tuck into real food!!

Waiting...

I really can't wait til the op. I know its only weeks away now, but sometimes when you get that close, that's when it gets the most unbearable. Being at work will help cause that will occupy me and make the time go faster. Its the weekends I find the hardest.

I think I'm just starting to grasp the concept of how much my life will change and that I don't really know how it will change. My body will be less. It will be thin, fit and more compact. I will be able to wear whatever clothes I like. I will not have to be self-conscious anymore about what I wear or just about being out. My self-esteem is going to rise greatly I think.

What I haven't thought about is personal space. That's going to change. Will I want more personal space than I do now? What about sensing spacial relationships? I know I'm going to think I'm bigger than I am for a long time. Its going to be so awkward thinking I can't fit through places that I will be able to walk through. There's a whole headfuckedness to it all that I'm only going to discover once I'm there. But I still want to be there. I want to be there now.

I'm prepared. I am prepared psychologically for what's to come. Its just the damned waiting...

Statistics

Height: 151cm
Weight: 107.5 kilo

Bust: 132cm
Arm: 38.5cm
Waist: 122cm
Hips: 137.5cm
Thighs: 71.5cm


At least now I know where I'm going.

Changes

Well, I've started the new diet. Lets see how it goes. Started the day with a glass of water, which I think is important anyway. Then had my coffee and waited 10 minutes (which turned into 45) to have my shake. Now I need to wait at least 30 minutes before I can have a drink.

I've been half heartedly attempting the new eating style (space out liquids and food) but not too great at it, because nothing else in my diet changed. Now that I have officially started the pre-diet diet, I will be sticking to them more stringently.

I really think nobody has 100% faith that I can do this. They've seen me struggle with diets before, so I guess they assume this will be 'just another' of those. I'm not stressing about it though. I know how I feel about this and how determined I am to succeed. I will just plod along and let time teach them.

So many changes are happening with me. I now get up around 5am and I'm in bed by 9.30 each night (very not me). I'm taking my daily shower in the evening instead of early morning. I'm taking control of my eating. I've started a new job which is actually enjoyable for a change.

I've made a commitment to change and I'm never going back to who I was. I've been overweight for years. I've been emotionally out of control and unbalanced. I've seen myself do crazy things, have extreme highs and extreme lows. Its only over time, as I've gotten older and learnt to tell the signs of when an extreme was about to occur, that's I've been able to develop more of a somewhat 'normal' life experience. I think the anti-depressants have been an enormous help in me being able to work and have some kind of 'normal' life.

Changes I'm looking forward to:

Smaller dress size. First mini goal: size 18
New, sexier clothes
Getting my fitness back
New sexier body
Getting work done on my teeth
A fitness level that is something I've never seen before
Energy that won't quit
Getting painfree use of my feet again
Taking up yoga
Taking up dance
More added when I think of it.

Yoghurt & Toblerone

We have a greek yoghurt outlet near us and I've fallen madly in love with their yoghurt. So, it was the family size for dinner - all of it (about 1 litre worth). Later on it was 4 pieces of toblerone with coffee as a sort of dessert.

I'm celebrating. I've decided tomorrow is 'D' day. My 2 week diet officially starts on Wednesday, but I'm not going to wait. I've had enough. I was going to replace 1 meal for 2 days, then 2 for 2 days then onto the 3 meal replacement Wednesday, but stuff it! I'm jumping straight into 2 meal replacement tomorrow and the 3 on Wednesday.

I've just had enough of this body as it is. It feels like a prison, being this big and craving the foods and whatnot that it does. I'm sick of myself basically. So tomorrow, I make that change.

It will hard to adjust at first, but I'll get there. I'm looking forward to being on the other end of the operation. The first few weeks I'll still be doing the optifast, but that's OK. I will have my band then. I'm really looking forward to being a new me.

Nightmare

I had a really bad dream last night. A nightmare. Not a blood and gore one, more just a menacing one, but it involved somebody from my past that I loathe.

When I got up I went to the kitchen for a drink and found myself shoving crisps into my mouth. I got to 3 handfuls before I was aware what I was doing and stopped. I was trying to 'shove' down the pain of course. It was a choice of shove the food in and nothing changes or deliberately put it down and live with the icky feelings the dream brought up. I decided to live with the icky feelings. Consequently, its just over 12 hours later and I've still not shaken those feelings completely. By tomorrow morning I should be fine though.

There are things in my past which are obviously still triggers and will need to be dealt with. I just hate talking to strangers about them. Gonna have to find some other way to deal with it all.

Grazers and lapband

I've been contacted by someone who has a lapband and is a grazer. With their permission I now post what they said:

Im a grazer and Im doing great on the band, been less then 7 weeks and Im down 35lbs and my grazing days are a thing of the past, the only reason I bring this up is I dont want other grazers to read your blog and lose hope.

So it seems the lap band can help a grazer. I got my info from the dietitian, but it always pays to ask someone in the know. Thanks for the comment.

Steps 2 & 3

Step 2.

I went to see the psychologist. This is a requirement of the surgery. He agreed I need the surgery. I'm not going to lose this weight any other way now. I will be seeing him a couple of more times after surgery just to see how I'm fairing. Very important as there will be some emotional/psychological issues to deal with I'm sure.

Step 3.

I saw the dietitian this week. Another must. She said my eating style was perfect for the lap band. I don't eat often, but I eat big when I do. Lap bands don't help grazers as its all about quantity of food.

I've been given the rules to follow and told to start now.
Drink 10 minutes before eating or
Drink 30 minutes after eating.
On no account am I to drink while eating.

I've started this and its not easy. I'm doing pretty well, but I have to say right here, bread is off the menu! lol

I have to replace 3 meals a day with optifast shakes, for 14 days prior to surgery. This is going to be a bit of a blow to the system, so I will be starting 4 days before this. 2 days just having breakfast replaced. 2 days having breakfast and lunch replaced, then 14 days on optifast. It will be a much gentler introduction. I'm actually going to go and buy my first week's supply tomorrow.

In the beginning...

...I was a very thin child. Very scrawny, always had bruises from poor iron levels, not very fit because I didn't have the energy because I didn't eat a whole lot. All that changed at puberty.

13 hit, the hormones hit and so did the weight. No-one knew at that time that I had SAD and PCOS. I would be 22 before PCOS was diagnosed and 26 before SAD. One leads to hormonal imbalances, the other brain chemistry imbalances. Both lead to improper eating which leads to fat.

Over the years I have tried every diet. I have yo-yo'd so many times, I have begun to look like one! (ie, all round).

Feb 2007 an online friend mentioned the lap band. I'd never heard of it before. I was very much against the idea, still believing that if I only tried hard enough, I could lose the weight. Well guess what - I CAN'T. So October 2007, I signed up for private health insurance to make this operation possible. On 29 October this year I will be having surgery at Greenslopes hospital in Brisbane, with Dr Copps.

What changed my mind? Partly going on another diet, but mostly coming across other people's stories. I even found an online forum for people from all over the world who want to have, are having or have had lap band surgery. The stories are amazing, yet all true. You really can lose weight with this procedure. No-one knows exactly why, but that doesn't matter. What does matter is that I can finally lose weight.

See, I'm not lazy. I'm not stupid. I'm not greedy. I have tried the 'diet and exercise' route to weight loss. It hasn't worked in my case. I'm not actually an over eater. What I do is eat a lot of the wrong foods, but this is mostly due to the SAD or PCOS kicking in. Both create a craving for high starch foods, bread, potato, etc.

The more I read about other intelligent women and men who found no answer until they had surgery, the more I realised I wanted this too. Its not an easy way out, not a cheats way out as some believe. Its simply a way out.

So what is life pre-lapband like?

I hurt. My joints ache a lot. I am out of breath a lot. I can' move fast. I'm not flexible, with minimal twisting/bending ability. I cannot lower myself to the floor or get up quickly, or easily. I feel 'tight' in my own skin all the time and often feel like a whale. My body and face is bloated. I often look in the mirror and don't recognise the face staring back at me. I'm podgy. I'm rotund. I'm obese.

I'm also short. This means the weight has that much of a greater affect on me and also that many people don't see me as obese. When they think of obese they think of the michelin man walking down the street wearing a muu muu! That isn't me. I don't look that shape because the weight is pretty much evenly distributed. My largest part is my tummy, but I also have really big boobs and that's what makes people think I'm not that bad. I'm fairly proportioned. But it comes back to being short. That makes all the difference in the world.

So, this is just a short entry to outline where I've come from. I got fat initially because of the chemical and hormonal imbalances going on inside me. I got obese because I dieted. Dieting makes you fat and in my case it made me obese.