On the other side

Where has the time gone? Its been 2 weeks since I posed in here.

Well, I did really well on the diet for one week, then I just couldn't cope. I didn't have the energy I needed in order to do my job, so I took up eating extra food. Of course, bread was part of that. In the end I lost 2.4 kilos, which was mostly water retention, but I've also lost cms all over, so that's OK.

The operation was Wednesday (2 days ago). I wasn't prepared for the amount of pain I would experience. Both shoulder blades, my spine and along the right shoulder top and up my neck into my head were in pain. It was like I had caught a chill or something. Most of the gas has gone now (farted - the usual way) and most of the pain. I still have the occasional twinge in my shoulder, but now I can feel the cuts more. At first they were just sore, but now they also feel tender. I also discovered I have an allergy to the surgical tapes used on my dressings *sigh*

Well, its been water and apple juice since the op. I was given clear chicken soup on the night of the op and I've had 2 cupasoups since, but no real nutrition. I've also been really hungry. I called my dietitian today and got the good news, I can now move on to other liquids besides clear. Can't have huge amounts, but at least I can have something with a bit of flavour in! I'm allowed to have milk shakes now - woohoo.

This morning I did a bit of tidy up around the house. Nothing strenuous, but I am sick of looking at the place in a mess. I've decided there are no excuses anymore. This is my life and I need to take some control of it. I get to say what happens. I get to decide how it will be lived. I think I've hidden behind my fat for far too long.

Diet beginnings

The diet proper starts tomorrow. Tonight I am having a shake for dinner and then its nothing but shakes for the next 2 weeks. After the operation, it will be clear liquids for a day or 2, then shakes for 2 weeks. Then I'll be able to add other foods, but they still have to be really soft, mashed potato soft!

Think of me when you sit down to tuck into real food!!

Waiting...

I really can't wait til the op. I know its only weeks away now, but sometimes when you get that close, that's when it gets the most unbearable. Being at work will help cause that will occupy me and make the time go faster. Its the weekends I find the hardest.

I think I'm just starting to grasp the concept of how much my life will change and that I don't really know how it will change. My body will be less. It will be thin, fit and more compact. I will be able to wear whatever clothes I like. I will not have to be self-conscious anymore about what I wear or just about being out. My self-esteem is going to rise greatly I think.

What I haven't thought about is personal space. That's going to change. Will I want more personal space than I do now? What about sensing spacial relationships? I know I'm going to think I'm bigger than I am for a long time. Its going to be so awkward thinking I can't fit through places that I will be able to walk through. There's a whole headfuckedness to it all that I'm only going to discover once I'm there. But I still want to be there. I want to be there now.

I'm prepared. I am prepared psychologically for what's to come. Its just the damned waiting...

Statistics

Height: 151cm
Weight: 107.5 kilo

Bust: 132cm
Arm: 38.5cm
Waist: 122cm
Hips: 137.5cm
Thighs: 71.5cm


At least now I know where I'm going.

Changes

Well, I've started the new diet. Lets see how it goes. Started the day with a glass of water, which I think is important anyway. Then had my coffee and waited 10 minutes (which turned into 45) to have my shake. Now I need to wait at least 30 minutes before I can have a drink.

I've been half heartedly attempting the new eating style (space out liquids and food) but not too great at it, because nothing else in my diet changed. Now that I have officially started the pre-diet diet, I will be sticking to them more stringently.

I really think nobody has 100% faith that I can do this. They've seen me struggle with diets before, so I guess they assume this will be 'just another' of those. I'm not stressing about it though. I know how I feel about this and how determined I am to succeed. I will just plod along and let time teach them.

So many changes are happening with me. I now get up around 5am and I'm in bed by 9.30 each night (very not me). I'm taking my daily shower in the evening instead of early morning. I'm taking control of my eating. I've started a new job which is actually enjoyable for a change.

I've made a commitment to change and I'm never going back to who I was. I've been overweight for years. I've been emotionally out of control and unbalanced. I've seen myself do crazy things, have extreme highs and extreme lows. Its only over time, as I've gotten older and learnt to tell the signs of when an extreme was about to occur, that's I've been able to develop more of a somewhat 'normal' life experience. I think the anti-depressants have been an enormous help in me being able to work and have some kind of 'normal' life.

Changes I'm looking forward to:

Smaller dress size. First mini goal: size 18
New, sexier clothes
Getting my fitness back
New sexier body
Getting work done on my teeth
A fitness level that is something I've never seen before
Energy that won't quit
Getting painfree use of my feet again
Taking up yoga
Taking up dance
More added when I think of it.

Yoghurt & Toblerone

We have a greek yoghurt outlet near us and I've fallen madly in love with their yoghurt. So, it was the family size for dinner - all of it (about 1 litre worth). Later on it was 4 pieces of toblerone with coffee as a sort of dessert.

I'm celebrating. I've decided tomorrow is 'D' day. My 2 week diet officially starts on Wednesday, but I'm not going to wait. I've had enough. I was going to replace 1 meal for 2 days, then 2 for 2 days then onto the 3 meal replacement Wednesday, but stuff it! I'm jumping straight into 2 meal replacement tomorrow and the 3 on Wednesday.

I've just had enough of this body as it is. It feels like a prison, being this big and craving the foods and whatnot that it does. I'm sick of myself basically. So tomorrow, I make that change.

It will hard to adjust at first, but I'll get there. I'm looking forward to being on the other end of the operation. The first few weeks I'll still be doing the optifast, but that's OK. I will have my band then. I'm really looking forward to being a new me.

Nightmare

I had a really bad dream last night. A nightmare. Not a blood and gore one, more just a menacing one, but it involved somebody from my past that I loathe.

When I got up I went to the kitchen for a drink and found myself shoving crisps into my mouth. I got to 3 handfuls before I was aware what I was doing and stopped. I was trying to 'shove' down the pain of course. It was a choice of shove the food in and nothing changes or deliberately put it down and live with the icky feelings the dream brought up. I decided to live with the icky feelings. Consequently, its just over 12 hours later and I've still not shaken those feelings completely. By tomorrow morning I should be fine though.

There are things in my past which are obviously still triggers and will need to be dealt with. I just hate talking to strangers about them. Gonna have to find some other way to deal with it all.

Grazers and lapband

I've been contacted by someone who has a lapband and is a grazer. With their permission I now post what they said:

Im a grazer and Im doing great on the band, been less then 7 weeks and Im down 35lbs and my grazing days are a thing of the past, the only reason I bring this up is I dont want other grazers to read your blog and lose hope.

So it seems the lap band can help a grazer. I got my info from the dietitian, but it always pays to ask someone in the know. Thanks for the comment.

Steps 2 & 3

Step 2.

I went to see the psychologist. This is a requirement of the surgery. He agreed I need the surgery. I'm not going to lose this weight any other way now. I will be seeing him a couple of more times after surgery just to see how I'm fairing. Very important as there will be some emotional/psychological issues to deal with I'm sure.

Step 3.

I saw the dietitian this week. Another must. She said my eating style was perfect for the lap band. I don't eat often, but I eat big when I do. Lap bands don't help grazers as its all about quantity of food.

I've been given the rules to follow and told to start now.
Drink 10 minutes before eating or
Drink 30 minutes after eating.
On no account am I to drink while eating.

I've started this and its not easy. I'm doing pretty well, but I have to say right here, bread is off the menu! lol

I have to replace 3 meals a day with optifast shakes, for 14 days prior to surgery. This is going to be a bit of a blow to the system, so I will be starting 4 days before this. 2 days just having breakfast replaced. 2 days having breakfast and lunch replaced, then 14 days on optifast. It will be a much gentler introduction. I'm actually going to go and buy my first week's supply tomorrow.

In the beginning...

...I was a very thin child. Very scrawny, always had bruises from poor iron levels, not very fit because I didn't have the energy because I didn't eat a whole lot. All that changed at puberty.

13 hit, the hormones hit and so did the weight. No-one knew at that time that I had SAD and PCOS. I would be 22 before PCOS was diagnosed and 26 before SAD. One leads to hormonal imbalances, the other brain chemistry imbalances. Both lead to improper eating which leads to fat.

Over the years I have tried every diet. I have yo-yo'd so many times, I have begun to look like one! (ie, all round).

Feb 2007 an online friend mentioned the lap band. I'd never heard of it before. I was very much against the idea, still believing that if I only tried hard enough, I could lose the weight. Well guess what - I CAN'T. So October 2007, I signed up for private health insurance to make this operation possible. On 29 October this year I will be having surgery at Greenslopes hospital in Brisbane, with Dr Copps.

What changed my mind? Partly going on another diet, but mostly coming across other people's stories. I even found an online forum for people from all over the world who want to have, are having or have had lap band surgery. The stories are amazing, yet all true. You really can lose weight with this procedure. No-one knows exactly why, but that doesn't matter. What does matter is that I can finally lose weight.

See, I'm not lazy. I'm not stupid. I'm not greedy. I have tried the 'diet and exercise' route to weight loss. It hasn't worked in my case. I'm not actually an over eater. What I do is eat a lot of the wrong foods, but this is mostly due to the SAD or PCOS kicking in. Both create a craving for high starch foods, bread, potato, etc.

The more I read about other intelligent women and men who found no answer until they had surgery, the more I realised I wanted this too. Its not an easy way out, not a cheats way out as some believe. Its simply a way out.

So what is life pre-lapband like?

I hurt. My joints ache a lot. I am out of breath a lot. I can' move fast. I'm not flexible, with minimal twisting/bending ability. I cannot lower myself to the floor or get up quickly, or easily. I feel 'tight' in my own skin all the time and often feel like a whale. My body and face is bloated. I often look in the mirror and don't recognise the face staring back at me. I'm podgy. I'm rotund. I'm obese.

I'm also short. This means the weight has that much of a greater affect on me and also that many people don't see me as obese. When they think of obese they think of the michelin man walking down the street wearing a muu muu! That isn't me. I don't look that shape because the weight is pretty much evenly distributed. My largest part is my tummy, but I also have really big boobs and that's what makes people think I'm not that bad. I'm fairly proportioned. But it comes back to being short. That makes all the difference in the world.

So, this is just a short entry to outline where I've come from. I got fat initially because of the chemical and hormonal imbalances going on inside me. I got obese because I dieted. Dieting makes you fat and in my case it made me obese.