First fill

I had my first fill on Thursday just gone. Not a pleasant experience I can tell you. The doctor couldn't find the port, so after a few tries, sent me round to xray so they could do it. So I have anxiety about getting it done, apprehension because I've just had an unpleasant experience which did involve some pain and now I have anxiety because I have a severe fear of heights and I now have to walk around a building I don't know.

Wouldn't be an issue for most people, but for me it appears fraught with danger. There might be stairs I have to walk passed that you can see down (which means to my mind I'm up high) and there was. There might be windows to walk passed which show you are a few floors off the ground (there was those too). I get flight or fight syndrome very badly. So with all this going on, I go to xray. I had a local anesthetic and was told it would hurt a bit, but actually it didn't hurt at all. And thank goodness I had it too, because I could feel the pressure he put into putting the needle in.

Officially I've lost 5.1 kilos. I'm very happy with that. Its hard enough to lose weight as it is, but PCOS makes it even harder. I'm looking forward to even more coming off soon.

Now I have nausea every time I eat and the hiccups every time I eat or drink anything. *sigh*. No, its not going to be an easy journey, but I will get there in the end. I'm just learning how to work with my new best bud is all.

Changes

Things I've noticed so far:

*I"m going longer between needing to eat. Even if I do feel hungry, I seem to be able to wait it out much better, there's not the overwhelming need to stuff my face.

*My clothes are looser. Even my work pants are bigger around the stomach, which has always been the one place it never seemed to move from.

*I have more energy. I'm chasing the kids at work and I'm getting to the end of a work day, tired but not drained.

*I really have no desire for coke, chocolate or lollies anymore.


Just small things, but they mean a lot to me. It means it is all working and I am losing the weight, its just going to be at a much slower pace than most. Until I get to a certain point I reckon. Then the PCOS will go into remission and the loss will speed up.

Was supposed to go to dietitian this week, but there was a stuff up with dates and stuff, so it ended up being cancelled. Next appointment is 17th December. I will be heaps skinnier by then. Certainly, I will have had a fill and it will be paying off.

The way forward

I work in child care, which you know if you follow this blog. Child care was never a vocation for me. It is for my sister, but not for me. I had spent 7 years traveling and working around Australia when I came to Queensland. I met my partner the same day I arrived and a month later moved from where I'd met him to Brisbane. A few months after that we moved in together. So I figured, new state, new man what about a new career? It was down to child care or aged care. I preferred aged care, but child care left my weekends free.

Now 4 year's later, it has done what it needed to do. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my job. I do have a good time at work and when outside with the children, I get in and play with them rather than stand around - makes the time go faster. Its just not the career for me is all.

So, I've decided to listen to my heart, my conscious, my soul, my guardian angel - whatever you call it. I've known most of my life that I was here to help people to heal. I've known since I was 22 that I would one day have a meditation and relaxation retreat. I've also known what it would be called. Never did it though, why? Dunno, but I think partly I never felt like I 'deserved' it.

Now I've decided its time to stop mucking about and wasting time and to make moves in that direction, so to this end, I've enrolled to study Western Herbal Medicine. It will take me 3 years and cost me just under $13,500 to complete, but that's OK. I will try to do as much as possible earlier on so I can speed it up a bit, but I'm committed to the 3 years if that's what it takes.

I've had a love-hate relationship with herbs. I have rather perfectionist personality (you wouldn't guess with my weight problem and all, now would you?), and I really hate to do something if I don't know anything about it. Kinda dumb I know cause there was always a point when I had to learn something new. Anyway, the spiritual side of me says this was simply to keep me away from all of this until I was ready. Now I'm ready.

I'm not going to just stop with herbalism though, I want to expand and learn other things, like NLP or Bowen Therapy, but all in good time. For now, just working full time and studying will be enough. I have definitely placed my feet on a new path and I like it.

Feed me!!!!!!!!!

Well, work went OK. 2 days back was enough for the first week, mind you, its back to 5 days next week.

Off to see the dietitian first thing in the morning. Finger's crossed she says I can start back on 'real' food on Tuesday. I'm at the point now where I'm hungry all the time and the only thing that stops me eating myself sick is I just don't have enough food in the house for me to do that.

Off to a lapbanders lunch get together today. I went to my first one about 3 months ago and it went well. Am looking forward to going back now that I'm on the other side. I'm just going to order some nice soup. Failing that, some mashed potato will do (with some cheese in it perhaps?)

I got into a house cleaning mood last night, so I was up til 4am cleaning the house. It really needed it and I felt good doing it too. I have a couple of boxes in the dining room to remove and then its back to being a dining room. I straightened up all the books in the lounge area so the 2 small bookshelves there look really neat and tidy for the first time. Just got a shelf in the dining room to do and that's done.

I mopped floors, I wiped down walls and the skirting boards (which don't get done enough I'm afraid) and generally felt great. Not so great was then only getting 3 hours sleep because Beloved burnt his breakfast and the smoke alarm went off.

End of time off

I rand the surgeon's nurse today. Apparently, my hunger is most likely gas pains and I need to keep taking degas tabs to deal with it.

Back to work tomorrow. Not looking forward to it, but then again I am. It will give me something else to do with my time besides hang around the house getting more of nothing done. It also means I will have money to do other things *sigh*

My clothes are roomier now, my top is starting to hang off me which is nice. Not all clothes of course, oh no! Not my work uniform, but my casual clothes. My jeans are fitting me just nicely.

Back to work tomorrow. I have a list of dates to request late shifts (which won't be a problem) and then to request a day off because of doctor's appointments, (might be a bit trickier). Haven't put down the 3 days I need off before we close because we're flying to Melbourne. Didn't want the list to appear like I was making demandds. I did mention the trip at my interview and it was agreed to, just need to remind her closer to that time, like 2 weeks before.

Jumbled thoughts

The day after I got home I started to clean the house. It had been a mess for so long and I'd had enough. It took me all day to do the lounge and kitchenette, but it was worth it. Then I started on things in the dining room.

Not long after that I felt a bit dejected. The weight was not visibly shrinking from me, before my eyes. Totally unrealistic I know, but after years of yo-you dieting when you finally find something that could potentially be your last resort and its worked so well for others, you do develop unrealistic expectations. Consciously, I knew it was going to take a while. Its going to take me the first month just to get back to where I was before it all started and then - only because I'm back on normal eating and back to normal life - will the weight start to come off properly.

It was the unconscious expectation which I hadn't dealt with. I think this has been my sabotage point in the past. Not realising how strong those expectations are. No matter how much I say to myself that slow weight loss is actually better for me and I shouldn't be expecting anything right now, I still feel a bit dejected. Sad that those expectations aren't be realised. Silly really, but the mind is a funny thing. So today, I decided to give myself some space. Yes its going to happen. Yes its going to take longer than expected. So what?

I'm feeling so much better about myself to day. I'm back to cleaning again. I'd given up on all of it and just laid around the house moping. The big, grand change hadn't happened the way I'd expected it to. In a way, I blame tv. They show you people on a journey and in 30 minutes or 1 hour, the people have gone from woe to whoa!! But that time frame has covered maybe 18 months in reality? It just doesn't mess in the head. So those sorts of shows are out I think.

I've decided that if I do a little housework each day, I won't get back to where its a trash heap and needs a major clean. I tend to be lazy in this area and not do these things. So, when I was washing the dishes before, I gave the cupboards a wipe over. Very simple and took 2 minutes and you know what? If I do that every 2nd day, they'll never need to be scrubbed again!

Tomorrow I tackle the bathroom. Its clean, it just needs to have the bottom of the shower scrubbed and the floor mopped (I'm not that much of a slob!!!). I'm starting to 'get' all things in moderation. I've never really got that concept before. Never put it into practice before. Now I'm understanding what it means and why it works.

More than that though, I think it reflects some kind of mind change I've gone through since surgery. The inside must match the outside for harmony. A yin-yang thing. Well, the physical must match the mental and the house must match what's going on in the head. Before my head was chaotic, nothing was in order and my thoughts were never about looking after myself and maintaining myself. So with the house. Now that the house is getting some balance back, I can see that also happening with me, with how I look after me.

Only 2 more days left then its back to work. A little concerned with that. Will I cope with the work load? It can be physically demanding on a person and I just wonder how I am going to be at the end of the day.

Food, glorious food!

I'm enjoying this stage. I have to mash everything to mashed potato consistency, but at least its real food. I can eat pretty much whatever I want now, because there isn't a whole lot of it! For deserve I made apple crumble. I had mine mooshed with cream and I gotta say, it was soooooo nice.

I've found my 'too much' point. I get a stabbing pain under my right breast when I've eaten too much for the band. Why the right side? No idea.

The changes

Well, looking at me overall, you can't see that much of a change, but I've been taking pix of my face as well. There I can see the change. What I notice is my nose is starting to look a lot bigger!! Think I can see a nose job in my future!

The first was taken the morning after surgery. The second this Wednesday just gone, which was 8 days out and the third, today, which is 12 days out.

Oh woe!

Last night was a lesson for me in the power of the band. I was hungry around 10.30 last night and we didn't have anything in the house that was appropriate for me to eat (not enough protein, can't blend that down, blah blah blah), so I decided to make myself a milk shake. Its just milk, baking cocoa and honey. Very rich chocolate flavour and nicely sweetened by the honey.

Anyway, I had a lot of pain last night. It shot out to the right and under my breast and felt like someone had carved a line there with a knife, then left it stuck in. When I awoke this morning it was gone. But I was in tears last night. I think the drink was way too much (about 3 times as much) and way too cold. It quite possibly 'froze' the band and caused it to shrink.

This morning I had some porridge and waited 35 minutes to have my coffee. I'm not feeling any pain, but I don't have that 'full' feeling either. In fact, my stomach feels like it does just before it starts to give me the ravenous signals. I'm having to learn to ignore my body's physical signals because I can't get the food down there now. Its a horrible place to be in. I guess after a while it will do things to my head, but not a pleasant way to do it.

Moving on

Saw dietitian today. I'm now progressing to the mushy stage of this life change. I'll be eating around 1/2 cup of mooshy 5 times a day. 3 meals and 2 snacks. Not a lot of food, but I have to be careful not to stretch the pouch at this stage.

She was concerned when I said I could feel the band. It seems some fluid was put in during the operation, so I've had some restriction all along. At least I know I'm not going ga-ga. Will be confirming this soon though.

I feel really good about moving on to the next stage. I can't have food the way others do yet, but at least its real food! No more meal replacements shakes until I get a fill. Its suggested you go back on liquids for 24 hours after a fill, so I will keep them in the cupboard for that, but the rest of the time, its food! food! food!

Secret to happiness

I want my life to be happy. I want it to be deeply satisfying. I've been watching docos on tv (can you tell) and what seems to be repeatedly coming across is sense of community and not having a great number of possessions seems to be key to satisfaction.

One doco was about a young woman from the UK (Ok she was 35, but that's till young) who went to live with the Kuna Indians half way around the world from her. She was accepted as a daughter and in the month she was there, many of her wounds from childhood were healed. What struck her was that nobody was ever 'alone'. She went to sleep one day and woke to a row of tiny heads of the children all just watching her sleep. There were few possessions and everything was shared with everyone.

The other doco was about 4 women on a spiritual quest who went to live in a convent with the poor Clare sisters. Again, a simple life and a community spirit really did seem to give these women peace. Their idea of friendship was to be inclusive of all around. They did have a rule that your bedroom was your own and no-one was allowed in there. It was to have your own private sanctuary, but I also suspect it might be to stop any possibility of sex happening between the women, not because it would be gay, but because they'd taken a vow of celebacy.

But it really does bring to mind the question about western life. What is so great about the way we live? What is so great about having possessions and climbing over others to get to the top, to be 'the Joneses'? What the hell is so good about alienating everyone around you just so you can say you are number 1?

I'm thinking about this, can you tell? I don't think achieving your dreams is it. Many people achieve their dreams, then its 'now what'? Happiness needs to be a state you are in whether you achieve those dreams or not. Its more fundamental than dreams. More essential. More simple. Don't get me wrong, I think we all need to have dreams, we all need to have goals, I'm just saying the attaining of them isn't what makes happiness. There are people who live in what we westerners would call primative societies in isolated places in the world who have dreams, but they relate to the society they live in. So where we may dream of big houses and huge cars, they dream of getting married and having healthy children, or being a good member of their society. In their case, I think obtaining the dreams are a part of happiness, because they focus on social bonding.

I think that's it. I think its the social bonding that is important, but not just a group of friends who get together. I think it needs to be much deeper than that, a sense of not being able to live without these people in your life. I think we in the west have lost that and probably that has much to do with our downfall, why we are failing.

I once designed a community revolving around a communal kitchen/space and I also wrote down a list of 'rules' you would need if you decided to set up a communal house, similar to a convent situation. I think this might be part of what makes me happy that is missing. I don't have a community. I have my partner and a friend or two, but none of them have that sense of commitment that I'm talking about here, not even my partner. The sense that if you lost each other the world would literally end.

I always thought that needing someone that much made me psychologically damaged. I'm not saying needing to be wrapped around someone 24 hours a day forever, as though you are conjoined twins! I'm talking about them being around and if something happened to them, you would fall apart. So called simplier cultures have that. Children are born into it right from the start. In the west, we've lost it. If you are lucky to find someone you will spend a good 10+ years with, its going to take (sorry, just interupted by JWs there)...you that long to get anywhere close to that sort of connection I am talking about.

So I don't think I am needy after all. I don't think I've got it so wrong and I don't need to ask myself anymore 'why do I need someone in my life so much?' I used to think it was part of my broken brain that I needed to have someone in my life to 'take care of me'. But its not that at all. I am simply aware of that deep need that we all have. Its because I found Beloved and now have that connection to someone that I have been able to balance and to reach out and try things. I think it actually makes me a more healthier person. I have that intense need yes, I need them all the time, but I don't need to be around them all the time. I can go and do my own thing, I just need that connection to always be there.

So, now the question comes, what else do I need to make me happy? Its not about want. We will always have want with us, its about need. And I think I was onto something when I became interested in simple living. I think it really is about living as simply as possible. To have as little as possible and to be able to breathe and just be in your own space.

Starvation

The pain in my spine is less today. I realised yesterday that I've been starving. Not, 'gee I'm hungry' starving, but literally starving. My body didn't have enough energy to maintain itself. Pain is a classic sign of this in me.

So, I've upped my caloric intake. I'm having my shakes that I'm supposed to have, but also having chocky custard with cream added. I have to say, add a bit of honey and lemon and its delicious!! I'm also having my home made soup, gatorade and fruit juice.

I am feeling much better. I feel more energised and happier.

Bumpy ride

Its been a bit of a bumpy ride for me the last few days. Having mood swings doesn't help.

Yesterday I was feeling sort of trapped. I had frustration and boredom feeding each other. I was wrecking my brain trying to come up with a career path I want to follow. I think I'm feeling that life is passing me by and I'm going to miss some glorious, golden opportunity. Of course, this isn't unusual for someone who feels they've spent all their life hiding and letting chances pass by.

Today I feel much better. It can be hard to remember sometimes that I've only had surgery a week ago and still very much in the recovery phase. I'm very much learning to look after myself now. I've never really done that before. Never felt I deserved it really. I deserved to be fat, which meant I deserved to be a failure.

I don't think being fat is being a failure. It was just in my mind I felt I was being punished for something. It goes back a long time to being abused as a child, but that's neither here nor there. For me personally, being fat felt like I was being punished. Now I've been given the key I've been seeking all my life to get rid of the fat and that's gonna screw with your mind.

So today, I feel much better. A lot to do with it being bright blue and sunny today, instead of grey. I'm allowing myself to relax, to take the time I need to do absolutely nothing. I'm also being really gentle with myself and making sure I get everything I need. I'm taking the vitamins I'm supposed to, I'm taking the fibre powder I'm supposed to. I'm not excessively 'eating'. Looking after myself, being gentle with myself is a new experience for me.

Moving forward

Last night was the first time I've been able to sleep completely flat since surgery. Until now I've found sleeping with my feet raised helped ease things. I went to sleep this way, but woke up flat out and not in any pain.

There appears to be less gas pain today as well.

Stuck

I'm beginning to feel a little miserable and sorry for myself. Its only been 3 days since surgery and I'm not expecting to be bouncing out windows or anything, but I had kind of hoped the pain would be gone by now. It still comes. Not all the time thank goodness, but when it does come it bloody well hurts.

I'm feeling stuck. I feel like I want to move forward with my life. I want to be moving on with losing weight while I'm motivated and I really want my life to mean something. I'm just feeling all gung-ho I guess, which isn't a bad thing but probably not terribly realistic at this stage.

I'm planning a lot of make-over stuff. My teeth aren't the greatest, so I plan on getting a bit of work done on those and I also want to have a nip & tuck done down the track. Bound to be some bumpy bits.

But mostly, my thoughts are turning to career. What do I want to do with my life?

I've never really felt free before, to just do what I wanted. I've always been conscious about my weight and used it to stop me doing a hell of a lot of things. My greatest passion always was acting. I never did it. Too fat I would tell myself, but what really stopped me was too self-conscious of my size. I can't really complain though, because I had a lot of bad shit happen to me when I was a kid and I've spent most of my life in recovery from that.

However, now is different. I feel like I have this warrior inside me slowly waking up. There is no excuse anymore. I'm going to lose this weight because I have my new best mate to help me. Sure the 'getting to know you' stage is turning out to be a bit more challenging than I first thought, but its not really that bad I guess.

So, my future. For the first time in my entire life I feel like I'm finally going to be free of my past. I'm going to be released from all the baggage, have no excuses anymore. I suppose that could be terrifying, but for me, its exciting. I've spent a year leading up to the operation, working through mind changes so I would be ready for this and now I feel like nothing can stop me - except this pain at the moment of course.

So what do I want to do with my self? I have no idea. I do have a passion for cooking and food in general. Not because I'm fat and like to eat it, but because I don't know how to work with it properly. Sounds strange I know, but I've always been fascinated by what I don't know. I think chefs are amazing and I want to know what they know.

But do I want that as a career? No idea, and now isn't really the time to be making that sort of decision. I am going to do a cookery course, I know that much, but if it goes onto a career is another matter.

Another thing about this pain that concerns me, is I'm going back to work in 2 weeks. Will I be ready for work? Will the pain have stopped by then?