01 November 2008


I'm beginning to feel a little miserable and sorry for myself. Its only been 3 days since surgery and I'm not expecting to be bouncing out windows or anything, but I had kind of hoped the pain would be gone by now. It still comes. Not all the time thank goodness, but when it does come it bloody well hurts.

I'm feeling stuck. I feel like I want to move forward with my life. I want to be moving on with losing weight while I'm motivated and I really want my life to mean something. I'm just feeling all gung-ho I guess, which isn't a bad thing but probably not terribly realistic at this stage.

I'm planning a lot of make-over stuff. My teeth aren't the greatest, so I plan on getting a bit of work done on those and I also want to have a nip & tuck done down the track. Bound to be some bumpy bits.

But mostly, my thoughts are turning to career. What do I want to do with my life?

I've never really felt free before, to just do what I wanted. I've always been conscious about my weight and used it to stop me doing a hell of a lot of things. My greatest passion always was acting. I never did it. Too fat I would tell myself, but what really stopped me was too self-conscious of my size. I can't really complain though, because I had a lot of bad shit happen to me when I was a kid and I've spent most of my life in recovery from that.

However, now is different. I feel like I have this warrior inside me slowly waking up. There is no excuse anymore. I'm going to lose this weight because I have my new best mate to help me. Sure the 'getting to know you' stage is turning out to be a bit more challenging than I first thought, but its not really that bad I guess.

So, my future. For the first time in my entire life I feel like I'm finally going to be free of my past. I'm going to be released from all the baggage, have no excuses anymore. I suppose that could be terrifying, but for me, its exciting. I've spent a year leading up to the operation, working through mind changes so I would be ready for this and now I feel like nothing can stop me - except this pain at the moment of course.

So what do I want to do with my self? I have no idea. I do have a passion for cooking and food in general. Not because I'm fat and like to eat it, but because I don't know how to work with it properly. Sounds strange I know, but I've always been fascinated by what I don't know. I think chefs are amazing and I want to know what they know.

But do I want that as a career? No idea, and now isn't really the time to be making that sort of decision. I am going to do a cookery course, I know that much, but if it goes onto a career is another matter.

Another thing about this pain that concerns me, is I'm going back to work in 2 weeks. Will I be ready for work? Will the pain have stopped by then?

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