10 November 2008

Jumbled thoughts

The day after I got home I started to clean the house. It had been a mess for so long and I'd had enough. It took me all day to do the lounge and kitchenette, but it was worth it. Then I started on things in the dining room.

Not long after that I felt a bit dejected. The weight was not visibly shrinking from me, before my eyes. Totally unrealistic I know, but after years of yo-you dieting when you finally find something that could potentially be your last resort and its worked so well for others, you do develop unrealistic expectations. Consciously, I knew it was going to take a while. Its going to take me the first month just to get back to where I was before it all started and then - only because I'm back on normal eating and back to normal life - will the weight start to come off properly.

It was the unconscious expectation which I hadn't dealt with. I think this has been my sabotage point in the past. Not realising how strong those expectations are. No matter how much I say to myself that slow weight loss is actually better for me and I shouldn't be expecting anything right now, I still feel a bit dejected. Sad that those expectations aren't be realised. Silly really, but the mind is a funny thing. So today, I decided to give myself some space. Yes its going to happen. Yes its going to take longer than expected. So what?

I'm feeling so much better about myself to day. I'm back to cleaning again. I'd given up on all of it and just laid around the house moping. The big, grand change hadn't happened the way I'd expected it to. In a way, I blame tv. They show you people on a journey and in 30 minutes or 1 hour, the people have gone from woe to whoa!! But that time frame has covered maybe 18 months in reality? It just doesn't mess in the head. So those sorts of shows are out I think.

I've decided that if I do a little housework each day, I won't get back to where its a trash heap and needs a major clean. I tend to be lazy in this area and not do these things. So, when I was washing the dishes before, I gave the cupboards a wipe over. Very simple and took 2 minutes and you know what? If I do that every 2nd day, they'll never need to be scrubbed again!

Tomorrow I tackle the bathroom. Its clean, it just needs to have the bottom of the shower scrubbed and the floor mopped (I'm not that much of a slob!!!). I'm starting to 'get' all things in moderation. I've never really got that concept before. Never put it into practice before. Now I'm understanding what it means and why it works.

More than that though, I think it reflects some kind of mind change I've gone through since surgery. The inside must match the outside for harmony. A yin-yang thing. Well, the physical must match the mental and the house must match what's going on in the head. Before my head was chaotic, nothing was in order and my thoughts were never about looking after myself and maintaining myself. So with the house. Now that the house is getting some balance back, I can see that also happening with me, with how I look after me.

Only 2 more days left then its back to work. A little concerned with that. Will I cope with the work load? It can be physically demanding on a person and I just wonder how I am going to be at the end of the day.

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