10 December 2008

Statistics Update

M'Ment.....Was.............. Now
Weight:...107.5 kilo.......Same

Thighs........71.5cm.......... 69.5cm


07 December 2008


I shaved my legs last night, all the way up and around. Not a big deal, except I haven't been able to do it for over 8 months. My flexibility is coming back. yah!

I've also noticed I eat much less than I used to. My clothes are getting baggier and generally, its all way much better. Just wish my tummy would go down some more so I can get more pants a size smaller.

Am looking at tweaking the Atkins diet now, to get high protein and low carb into me and see if that can speed up the weight loss at all.

As soon as I can find the tape measure, I'll do some more measuring.

30 November 2008

First fill

I had my first fill on Thursday just gone. Not a pleasant experience I can tell you. The doctor couldn't find the port, so after a few tries, sent me round to xray so they could do it. So I have anxiety about getting it done, apprehension because I've just had an unpleasant experience which did involve some pain and now I have anxiety because I have a severe fear of heights and I now have to walk around a building I don't know.

Wouldn't be an issue for most people, but for me it appears fraught with danger. There might be stairs I have to walk passed that you can see down (which means to my mind I'm up high) and there was. There might be windows to walk passed which show you are a few floors off the ground (there was those too). I get flight or fight syndrome very badly. So with all this going on, I go to xray. I had a local anesthetic and was told it would hurt a bit, but actually it didn't hurt at all. And thank goodness I had it too, because I could feel the pressure he put into putting the needle in.

Officially I've lost 5.1 kilos. I'm very happy with that. Its hard enough to lose weight as it is, but PCOS makes it even harder. I'm looking forward to even more coming off soon.

Now I have nausea every time I eat and the hiccups every time I eat or drink anything. *sigh*. No, its not going to be an easy journey, but I will get there in the end. I'm just learning how to work with my new best bud is all.

19 November 2008


Things I've noticed so far:

*I"m going longer between needing to eat. Even if I do feel hungry, I seem to be able to wait it out much better, there's not the overwhelming need to stuff my face.

*My clothes are looser. Even my work pants are bigger around the stomach, which has always been the one place it never seemed to move from.

*I have more energy. I'm chasing the kids at work and I'm getting to the end of a work day, tired but not drained.

*I really have no desire for coke, chocolate or lollies anymore.

Just small things, but they mean a lot to me. It means it is all working and I am losing the weight, its just going to be at a much slower pace than most. Until I get to a certain point I reckon. Then the PCOS will go into remission and the loss will speed up.

Was supposed to go to dietitian this week, but there was a stuff up with dates and stuff, so it ended up being cancelled. Next appointment is 17th December. I will be heaps skinnier by then. Certainly, I will have had a fill and it will be paying off.

16 November 2008

The way forward

I work in child care, which you know if you follow this blog. Child care was never a vocation for me. It is for my sister, but not for me. I had spent 7 years traveling and working around Australia when I came to Queensland. I met my partner the same day I arrived and a month later moved from where I'd met him to Brisbane. A few months after that we moved in together. So I figured, new state, new man what about a new career? It was down to child care or aged care. I preferred aged care, but child care left my weekends free.

Now 4 year's later, it has done what it needed to do. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my job. I do have a good time at work and when outside with the children, I get in and play with them rather than stand around - makes the time go faster. Its just not the career for me is all.

So, I've decided to listen to my heart, my conscious, my soul, my guardian angel - whatever you call it. I've known most of my life that I was here to help people to heal. I've known since I was 22 that I would one day have a meditation and relaxation retreat. I've also known what it would be called. Never did it though, why? Dunno, but I think partly I never felt like I 'deserved' it.

Now I've decided its time to stop mucking about and wasting time and to make moves in that direction, so to this end, I've enrolled to study Western Herbal Medicine. It will take me 3 years and cost me just under $13,500 to complete, but that's OK. I will try to do as much as possible earlier on so I can speed it up a bit, but I'm committed to the 3 years if that's what it takes.

I've had a love-hate relationship with herbs. I have rather perfectionist personality (you wouldn't guess with my weight problem and all, now would you?), and I really hate to do something if I don't know anything about it. Kinda dumb I know cause there was always a point when I had to learn something new. Anyway, the spiritual side of me says this was simply to keep me away from all of this until I was ready. Now I'm ready.

I'm not going to just stop with herbalism though, I want to expand and learn other things, like NLP or Bowen Therapy, but all in good time. For now, just working full time and studying will be enough. I have definitely placed my feet on a new path and I like it.

Feed me!!!!!!!!!

Well, work went OK. 2 days back was enough for the first week, mind you, its back to 5 days next week.

Off to see the dietitian first thing in the morning. Finger's crossed she says I can start back on 'real' food on Tuesday. I'm at the point now where I'm hungry all the time and the only thing that stops me eating myself sick is I just don't have enough food in the house for me to do that.

Off to a lapbanders lunch get together today. I went to my first one about 3 months ago and it went well. Am looking forward to going back now that I'm on the other side. I'm just going to order some nice soup. Failing that, some mashed potato will do (with some cheese in it perhaps?)

I got into a house cleaning mood last night, so I was up til 4am cleaning the house. It really needed it and I felt good doing it too. I have a couple of boxes in the dining room to remove and then its back to being a dining room. I straightened up all the books in the lounge area so the 2 small bookshelves there look really neat and tidy for the first time. Just got a shelf in the dining room to do and that's done.

I mopped floors, I wiped down walls and the skirting boards (which don't get done enough I'm afraid) and generally felt great. Not so great was then only getting 3 hours sleep because Beloved burnt his breakfast and the smoke alarm went off.

12 November 2008

End of time off

I rand the surgeon's nurse today. Apparently, my hunger is most likely gas pains and I need to keep taking degas tabs to deal with it.

Back to work tomorrow. Not looking forward to it, but then again I am. It will give me something else to do with my time besides hang around the house getting more of nothing done. It also means I will have money to do other things *sigh*

My clothes are roomier now, my top is starting to hang off me which is nice. Not all clothes of course, oh no! Not my work uniform, but my casual clothes. My jeans are fitting me just nicely.

Back to work tomorrow. I have a list of dates to request late shifts (which won't be a problem) and then to request a day off because of doctor's appointments, (might be a bit trickier). Haven't put down the 3 days I need off before we close because we're flying to Melbourne. Didn't want the list to appear like I was making demandds. I did mention the trip at my interview and it was agreed to, just need to remind her closer to that time, like 2 weeks before.

10 November 2008

Jumbled thoughts

The day after I got home I started to clean the house. It had been a mess for so long and I'd had enough. It took me all day to do the lounge and kitchenette, but it was worth it. Then I started on things in the dining room.

Not long after that I felt a bit dejected. The weight was not visibly shrinking from me, before my eyes. Totally unrealistic I know, but after years of yo-you dieting when you finally find something that could potentially be your last resort and its worked so well for others, you do develop unrealistic expectations. Consciously, I knew it was going to take a while. Its going to take me the first month just to get back to where I was before it all started and then - only because I'm back on normal eating and back to normal life - will the weight start to come off properly.

It was the unconscious expectation which I hadn't dealt with. I think this has been my sabotage point in the past. Not realising how strong those expectations are. No matter how much I say to myself that slow weight loss is actually better for me and I shouldn't be expecting anything right now, I still feel a bit dejected. Sad that those expectations aren't be realised. Silly really, but the mind is a funny thing. So today, I decided to give myself some space. Yes its going to happen. Yes its going to take longer than expected. So what?

I'm feeling so much better about myself to day. I'm back to cleaning again. I'd given up on all of it and just laid around the house moping. The big, grand change hadn't happened the way I'd expected it to. In a way, I blame tv. They show you people on a journey and in 30 minutes or 1 hour, the people have gone from woe to whoa!! But that time frame has covered maybe 18 months in reality? It just doesn't mess in the head. So those sorts of shows are out I think.

I've decided that if I do a little housework each day, I won't get back to where its a trash heap and needs a major clean. I tend to be lazy in this area and not do these things. So, when I was washing the dishes before, I gave the cupboards a wipe over. Very simple and took 2 minutes and you know what? If I do that every 2nd day, they'll never need to be scrubbed again!

Tomorrow I tackle the bathroom. Its clean, it just needs to have the bottom of the shower scrubbed and the floor mopped (I'm not that much of a slob!!!). I'm starting to 'get' all things in moderation. I've never really got that concept before. Never put it into practice before. Now I'm understanding what it means and why it works.

More than that though, I think it reflects some kind of mind change I've gone through since surgery. The inside must match the outside for harmony. A yin-yang thing. Well, the physical must match the mental and the house must match what's going on in the head. Before my head was chaotic, nothing was in order and my thoughts were never about looking after myself and maintaining myself. So with the house. Now that the house is getting some balance back, I can see that also happening with me, with how I look after me.

Only 2 more days left then its back to work. A little concerned with that. Will I cope with the work load? It can be physically demanding on a person and I just wonder how I am going to be at the end of the day.

08 November 2008

Food, glorious food!

I'm enjoying this stage. I have to mash everything to mashed potato consistency, but at least its real food. I can eat pretty much whatever I want now, because there isn't a whole lot of it! For deserve I made apple crumble. I had mine mooshed with cream and I gotta say, it was soooooo nice.

I've found my 'too much' point. I get a stabbing pain under my right breast when I've eaten too much for the band. Why the right side? No idea.

The changes

Well, looking at me overall, you can't see that much of a change, but I've been taking pix of my face as well. There I can see the change. What I notice is my nose is starting to look a lot bigger!! Think I can see a nose job in my future!

The first was taken the morning after surgery. The second this Wednesday just gone, which was 8 days out and the third, today, which is 12 days out.

Oh woe!

Last night was a lesson for me in the power of the band. I was hungry around 10.30 last night and we didn't have anything in the house that was appropriate for me to eat (not enough protein, can't blend that down, blah blah blah), so I decided to make myself a milk shake. Its just milk, baking cocoa and honey. Very rich chocolate flavour and nicely sweetened by the honey.

Anyway, I had a lot of pain last night. It shot out to the right and under my breast and felt like someone had carved a line there with a knife, then left it stuck in. When I awoke this morning it was gone. But I was in tears last night. I think the drink was way too much (about 3 times as much) and way too cold. It quite possibly 'froze' the band and caused it to shrink.

This morning I had some porridge and waited 35 minutes to have my coffee. I'm not feeling any pain, but I don't have that 'full' feeling either. In fact, my stomach feels like it does just before it starts to give me the ravenous signals. I'm having to learn to ignore my body's physical signals because I can't get the food down there now. Its a horrible place to be in. I guess after a while it will do things to my head, but not a pleasant way to do it.

07 November 2008

Moving on

Saw dietitian today. I'm now progressing to the mushy stage of this life change. I'll be eating around 1/2 cup of mooshy 5 times a day. 3 meals and 2 snacks. Not a lot of food, but I have to be careful not to stretch the pouch at this stage.

She was concerned when I said I could feel the band. It seems some fluid was put in during the operation, so I've had some restriction all along. At least I know I'm not going ga-ga. Will be confirming this soon though.

I feel really good about moving on to the next stage. I can't have food the way others do yet, but at least its real food! No more meal replacements shakes until I get a fill. Its suggested you go back on liquids for 24 hours after a fill, so I will keep them in the cupboard for that, but the rest of the time, its food! food! food!

06 November 2008

Secret to happiness

I want my life to be happy. I want it to be deeply satisfying. I've been watching docos on tv (can you tell) and what seems to be repeatedly coming across is sense of community and not having a great number of possessions seems to be key to satisfaction.

One doco was about a young woman from the UK (Ok she was 35, but that's till young) who went to live with the Kuna Indians half way around the world from her. She was accepted as a daughter and in the month she was there, many of her wounds from childhood were healed. What struck her was that nobody was ever 'alone'. She went to sleep one day and woke to a row of tiny heads of the children all just watching her sleep. There were few possessions and everything was shared with everyone.

The other doco was about 4 women on a spiritual quest who went to live in a convent with the poor Clare sisters. Again, a simple life and a community spirit really did seem to give these women peace. Their idea of friendship was to be inclusive of all around. They did have a rule that your bedroom was your own and no-one was allowed in there. It was to have your own private sanctuary, but I also suspect it might be to stop any possibility of sex happening between the women, not because it would be gay, but because they'd taken a vow of celebacy.

But it really does bring to mind the question about western life. What is so great about the way we live? What is so great about having possessions and climbing over others to get to the top, to be 'the Joneses'? What the hell is so good about alienating everyone around you just so you can say you are number 1?

I'm thinking about this, can you tell? I don't think achieving your dreams is it. Many people achieve their dreams, then its 'now what'? Happiness needs to be a state you are in whether you achieve those dreams or not. Its more fundamental than dreams. More essential. More simple. Don't get me wrong, I think we all need to have dreams, we all need to have goals, I'm just saying the attaining of them isn't what makes happiness. There are people who live in what we westerners would call primative societies in isolated places in the world who have dreams, but they relate to the society they live in. So where we may dream of big houses and huge cars, they dream of getting married and having healthy children, or being a good member of their society. In their case, I think obtaining the dreams are a part of happiness, because they focus on social bonding.

I think that's it. I think its the social bonding that is important, but not just a group of friends who get together. I think it needs to be much deeper than that, a sense of not being able to live without these people in your life. I think we in the west have lost that and probably that has much to do with our downfall, why we are failing.

I once designed a community revolving around a communal kitchen/space and I also wrote down a list of 'rules' you would need if you decided to set up a communal house, similar to a convent situation. I think this might be part of what makes me happy that is missing. I don't have a community. I have my partner and a friend or two, but none of them have that sense of commitment that I'm talking about here, not even my partner. The sense that if you lost each other the world would literally end.

I always thought that needing someone that much made me psychologically damaged. I'm not saying needing to be wrapped around someone 24 hours a day forever, as though you are conjoined twins! I'm talking about them being around and if something happened to them, you would fall apart. So called simplier cultures have that. Children are born into it right from the start. In the west, we've lost it. If you are lucky to find someone you will spend a good 10+ years with, its going to take (sorry, just interupted by JWs there)...you that long to get anywhere close to that sort of connection I am talking about.

So I don't think I am needy after all. I don't think I've got it so wrong and I don't need to ask myself anymore 'why do I need someone in my life so much?' I used to think it was part of my broken brain that I needed to have someone in my life to 'take care of me'. But its not that at all. I am simply aware of that deep need that we all have. Its because I found Beloved and now have that connection to someone that I have been able to balance and to reach out and try things. I think it actually makes me a more healthier person. I have that intense need yes, I need them all the time, but I don't need to be around them all the time. I can go and do my own thing, I just need that connection to always be there.

So, now the question comes, what else do I need to make me happy? Its not about want. We will always have want with us, its about need. And I think I was onto something when I became interested in simple living. I think it really is about living as simply as possible. To have as little as possible and to be able to breathe and just be in your own space.


The pain in my spine is less today. I realised yesterday that I've been starving. Not, 'gee I'm hungry' starving, but literally starving. My body didn't have enough energy to maintain itself. Pain is a classic sign of this in me.

So, I've upped my caloric intake. I'm having my shakes that I'm supposed to have, but also having chocky custard with cream added. I have to say, add a bit of honey and lemon and its delicious!! I'm also having my home made soup, gatorade and fruit juice.

I am feeling much better. I feel more energised and happier.

04 November 2008

Bumpy ride

Its been a bit of a bumpy ride for me the last few days. Having mood swings doesn't help.

Yesterday I was feeling sort of trapped. I had frustration and boredom feeding each other. I was wrecking my brain trying to come up with a career path I want to follow. I think I'm feeling that life is passing me by and I'm going to miss some glorious, golden opportunity. Of course, this isn't unusual for someone who feels they've spent all their life hiding and letting chances pass by.

Today I feel much better. It can be hard to remember sometimes that I've only had surgery a week ago and still very much in the recovery phase. I'm very much learning to look after myself now. I've never really done that before. Never felt I deserved it really. I deserved to be fat, which meant I deserved to be a failure.

I don't think being fat is being a failure. It was just in my mind I felt I was being punished for something. It goes back a long time to being abused as a child, but that's neither here nor there. For me personally, being fat felt like I was being punished. Now I've been given the key I've been seeking all my life to get rid of the fat and that's gonna screw with your mind.

So today, I feel much better. A lot to do with it being bright blue and sunny today, instead of grey. I'm allowing myself to relax, to take the time I need to do absolutely nothing. I'm also being really gentle with myself and making sure I get everything I need. I'm taking the vitamins I'm supposed to, I'm taking the fibre powder I'm supposed to. I'm not excessively 'eating'. Looking after myself, being gentle with myself is a new experience for me.

02 November 2008

Moving forward

Last night was the first time I've been able to sleep completely flat since surgery. Until now I've found sleeping with my feet raised helped ease things. I went to sleep this way, but woke up flat out and not in any pain.

There appears to be less gas pain today as well.

01 November 2008


I'm beginning to feel a little miserable and sorry for myself. Its only been 3 days since surgery and I'm not expecting to be bouncing out windows or anything, but I had kind of hoped the pain would be gone by now. It still comes. Not all the time thank goodness, but when it does come it bloody well hurts.

I'm feeling stuck. I feel like I want to move forward with my life. I want to be moving on with losing weight while I'm motivated and I really want my life to mean something. I'm just feeling all gung-ho I guess, which isn't a bad thing but probably not terribly realistic at this stage.

I'm planning a lot of make-over stuff. My teeth aren't the greatest, so I plan on getting a bit of work done on those and I also want to have a nip & tuck done down the track. Bound to be some bumpy bits.

But mostly, my thoughts are turning to career. What do I want to do with my life?

I've never really felt free before, to just do what I wanted. I've always been conscious about my weight and used it to stop me doing a hell of a lot of things. My greatest passion always was acting. I never did it. Too fat I would tell myself, but what really stopped me was too self-conscious of my size. I can't really complain though, because I had a lot of bad shit happen to me when I was a kid and I've spent most of my life in recovery from that.

However, now is different. I feel like I have this warrior inside me slowly waking up. There is no excuse anymore. I'm going to lose this weight because I have my new best mate to help me. Sure the 'getting to know you' stage is turning out to be a bit more challenging than I first thought, but its not really that bad I guess.

So, my future. For the first time in my entire life I feel like I'm finally going to be free of my past. I'm going to be released from all the baggage, have no excuses anymore. I suppose that could be terrifying, but for me, its exciting. I've spent a year leading up to the operation, working through mind changes so I would be ready for this and now I feel like nothing can stop me - except this pain at the moment of course.

So what do I want to do with my self? I have no idea. I do have a passion for cooking and food in general. Not because I'm fat and like to eat it, but because I don't know how to work with it properly. Sounds strange I know, but I've always been fascinated by what I don't know. I think chefs are amazing and I want to know what they know.

But do I want that as a career? No idea, and now isn't really the time to be making that sort of decision. I am going to do a cookery course, I know that much, but if it goes onto a career is another matter.

Another thing about this pain that concerns me, is I'm going back to work in 2 weeks. Will I be ready for work? Will the pain have stopped by then?

31 October 2008

On the other side

Where has the time gone? Its been 2 weeks since I posed in here.

Well, I did really well on the diet for one week, then I just couldn't cope. I didn't have the energy I needed in order to do my job, so I took up eating extra food. Of course, bread was part of that. In the end I lost 2.4 kilos, which was mostly water retention, but I've also lost cms all over, so that's OK.

The operation was Wednesday (2 days ago). I wasn't prepared for the amount of pain I would experience. Both shoulder blades, my spine and along the right shoulder top and up my neck into my head were in pain. It was like I had caught a chill or something. Most of the gas has gone now (farted - the usual way) and most of the pain. I still have the occasional twinge in my shoulder, but now I can feel the cuts more. At first they were just sore, but now they also feel tender. I also discovered I have an allergy to the surgical tapes used on my dressings *sigh*

Well, its been water and apple juice since the op. I was given clear chicken soup on the night of the op and I've had 2 cupasoups since, but no real nutrition. I've also been really hungry. I called my dietitian today and got the good news, I can now move on to other liquids besides clear. Can't have huge amounts, but at least I can have something with a bit of flavour in! I'm allowed to have milk shakes now - woohoo.

This morning I did a bit of tidy up around the house. Nothing strenuous, but I am sick of looking at the place in a mess. I've decided there are no excuses anymore. This is my life and I need to take some control of it. I get to say what happens. I get to decide how it will be lived. I think I've hidden behind my fat for far too long.

13 October 2008

Diet beginnings

The diet proper starts tomorrow. Tonight I am having a shake for dinner and then its nothing but shakes for the next 2 weeks. After the operation, it will be clear liquids for a day or 2, then shakes for 2 weeks. Then I'll be able to add other foods, but they still have to be really soft, mashed potato soft!

Think of me when you sit down to tuck into real food!!

12 October 2008


I really can't wait til the op. I know its only weeks away now, but sometimes when you get that close, that's when it gets the most unbearable. Being at work will help cause that will occupy me and make the time go faster. Its the weekends I find the hardest.

I think I'm just starting to grasp the concept of how much my life will change and that I don't really know how it will change. My body will be less. It will be thin, fit and more compact. I will be able to wear whatever clothes I like. I will not have to be self-conscious anymore about what I wear or just about being out. My self-esteem is going to rise greatly I think.

What I haven't thought about is personal space. That's going to change. Will I want more personal space than I do now? What about sensing spacial relationships? I know I'm going to think I'm bigger than I am for a long time. Its going to be so awkward thinking I can't fit through places that I will be able to walk through. There's a whole headfuckedness to it all that I'm only going to discover once I'm there. But I still want to be there. I want to be there now.

I'm prepared. I am prepared psychologically for what's to come. Its just the damned waiting...


Height: 151cm
Weight: 107.5 kilo

Bust: 132cm
Arm: 38.5cm
Waist: 122cm
Hips: 137.5cm
Thighs: 71.5cm

At least now I know where I'm going.

11 October 2008


Well, I've started the new diet. Lets see how it goes. Started the day with a glass of water, which I think is important anyway. Then had my coffee and waited 10 minutes (which turned into 45) to have my shake. Now I need to wait at least 30 minutes before I can have a drink.

I've been half heartedly attempting the new eating style (space out liquids and food) but not too great at it, because nothing else in my diet changed. Now that I have officially started the pre-diet diet, I will be sticking to them more stringently.

I really think nobody has 100% faith that I can do this. They've seen me struggle with diets before, so I guess they assume this will be 'just another' of those. I'm not stressing about it though. I know how I feel about this and how determined I am to succeed. I will just plod along and let time teach them.

So many changes are happening with me. I now get up around 5am and I'm in bed by 9.30 each night (very not me). I'm taking my daily shower in the evening instead of early morning. I'm taking control of my eating. I've started a new job which is actually enjoyable for a change.

I've made a commitment to change and I'm never going back to who I was. I've been overweight for years. I've been emotionally out of control and unbalanced. I've seen myself do crazy things, have extreme highs and extreme lows. Its only over time, as I've gotten older and learnt to tell the signs of when an extreme was about to occur, that's I've been able to develop more of a somewhat 'normal' life experience. I think the anti-depressants have been an enormous help in me being able to work and have some kind of 'normal' life.

Changes I'm looking forward to:

Smaller dress size. First mini goal: size 18
New, sexier clothes
Getting my fitness back
New sexier body
Getting work done on my teeth
A fitness level that is something I've never seen before
Energy that won't quit
Getting painfree use of my feet again
Taking up yoga
Taking up dance
More added when I think of it.

10 October 2008

Yoghurt & Toblerone

We have a greek yoghurt outlet near us and I've fallen madly in love with their yoghurt. So, it was the family size for dinner - all of it (about 1 litre worth). Later on it was 4 pieces of toblerone with coffee as a sort of dessert.

I'm celebrating. I've decided tomorrow is 'D' day. My 2 week diet officially starts on Wednesday, but I'm not going to wait. I've had enough. I was going to replace 1 meal for 2 days, then 2 for 2 days then onto the 3 meal replacement Wednesday, but stuff it! I'm jumping straight into 2 meal replacement tomorrow and the 3 on Wednesday.

I've just had enough of this body as it is. It feels like a prison, being this big and craving the foods and whatnot that it does. I'm sick of myself basically. So tomorrow, I make that change.

It will hard to adjust at first, but I'll get there. I'm looking forward to being on the other end of the operation. The first few weeks I'll still be doing the optifast, but that's OK. I will have my band then. I'm really looking forward to being a new me.

05 October 2008


I had a really bad dream last night. A nightmare. Not a blood and gore one, more just a menacing one, but it involved somebody from my past that I loathe.

When I got up I went to the kitchen for a drink and found myself shoving crisps into my mouth. I got to 3 handfuls before I was aware what I was doing and stopped. I was trying to 'shove' down the pain of course. It was a choice of shove the food in and nothing changes or deliberately put it down and live with the icky feelings the dream brought up. I decided to live with the icky feelings. Consequently, its just over 12 hours later and I've still not shaken those feelings completely. By tomorrow morning I should be fine though.

There are things in my past which are obviously still triggers and will need to be dealt with. I just hate talking to strangers about them. Gonna have to find some other way to deal with it all.

Grazers and lapband

I've been contacted by someone who has a lapband and is a grazer. With their permission I now post what they said:

Im a grazer and Im doing great on the band, been less then 7 weeks and Im down 35lbs and my grazing days are a thing of the past, the only reason I bring this up is I dont want other grazers to read your blog and lose hope.

So it seems the lap band can help a grazer. I got my info from the dietitian, but it always pays to ask someone in the know. Thanks for the comment.

Steps 2 & 3

Step 2.

I went to see the psychologist. This is a requirement of the surgery. He agreed I need the surgery. I'm not going to lose this weight any other way now. I will be seeing him a couple of more times after surgery just to see how I'm fairing. Very important as there will be some emotional/psychological issues to deal with I'm sure.

Step 3.

I saw the dietitian this week. Another must. She said my eating style was perfect for the lap band. I don't eat often, but I eat big when I do. Lap bands don't help grazers as its all about quantity of food.

I've been given the rules to follow and told to start now.
Drink 10 minutes before eating or
Drink 30 minutes after eating.
On no account am I to drink while eating.

I've started this and its not easy. I'm doing pretty well, but I have to say right here, bread is off the menu! lol

I have to replace 3 meals a day with optifast shakes, for 14 days prior to surgery. This is going to be a bit of a blow to the system, so I will be starting 4 days before this. 2 days just having breakfast replaced. 2 days having breakfast and lunch replaced, then 14 days on optifast. It will be a much gentler introduction. I'm actually going to go and buy my first week's supply tomorrow.

In the beginning...

...I was a very thin child. Very scrawny, always had bruises from poor iron levels, not very fit because I didn't have the energy because I didn't eat a whole lot. All that changed at puberty.

13 hit, the hormones hit and so did the weight. No-one knew at that time that I had SAD and PCOS. I would be 22 before PCOS was diagnosed and 26 before SAD. One leads to hormonal imbalances, the other brain chemistry imbalances. Both lead to improper eating which leads to fat.

Over the years I have tried every diet. I have yo-yo'd so many times, I have begun to look like one! (ie, all round).

Feb 2007 an online friend mentioned the lap band. I'd never heard of it before. I was very much against the idea, still believing that if I only tried hard enough, I could lose the weight. Well guess what - I CAN'T. So October 2007, I signed up for private health insurance to make this operation possible. On 29 October this year I will be having surgery at Greenslopes hospital in Brisbane, with Dr Copps.

What changed my mind? Partly going on another diet, but mostly coming across other people's stories. I even found an online forum for people from all over the world who want to have, are having or have had lap band surgery. The stories are amazing, yet all true. You really can lose weight with this procedure. No-one knows exactly why, but that doesn't matter. What does matter is that I can finally lose weight.

See, I'm not lazy. I'm not stupid. I'm not greedy. I have tried the 'diet and exercise' route to weight loss. It hasn't worked in my case. I'm not actually an over eater. What I do is eat a lot of the wrong foods, but this is mostly due to the SAD or PCOS kicking in. Both create a craving for high starch foods, bread, potato, etc.

The more I read about other intelligent women and men who found no answer until they had surgery, the more I realised I wanted this too. Its not an easy way out, not a cheats way out as some believe. Its simply a way out.

So what is life pre-lapband like?

I hurt. My joints ache a lot. I am out of breath a lot. I can' move fast. I'm not flexible, with minimal twisting/bending ability. I cannot lower myself to the floor or get up quickly, or easily. I feel 'tight' in my own skin all the time and often feel like a whale. My body and face is bloated. I often look in the mirror and don't recognise the face staring back at me. I'm podgy. I'm rotund. I'm obese.

I'm also short. This means the weight has that much of a greater affect on me and also that many people don't see me as obese. When they think of obese they think of the michelin man walking down the street wearing a muu muu! That isn't me. I don't look that shape because the weight is pretty much evenly distributed. My largest part is my tummy, but I also have really big boobs and that's what makes people think I'm not that bad. I'm fairly proportioned. But it comes back to being short. That makes all the difference in the world.

So, this is just a short entry to outline where I've come from. I got fat initially because of the chemical and hormonal imbalances going on inside me. I got obese because I dieted. Dieting makes you fat and in my case it made me obese.