04 November 2008

Bumpy ride

Its been a bit of a bumpy ride for me the last few days. Having mood swings doesn't help.

Yesterday I was feeling sort of trapped. I had frustration and boredom feeding each other. I was wrecking my brain trying to come up with a career path I want to follow. I think I'm feeling that life is passing me by and I'm going to miss some glorious, golden opportunity. Of course, this isn't unusual for someone who feels they've spent all their life hiding and letting chances pass by.

Today I feel much better. It can be hard to remember sometimes that I've only had surgery a week ago and still very much in the recovery phase. I'm very much learning to look after myself now. I've never really done that before. Never felt I deserved it really. I deserved to be fat, which meant I deserved to be a failure.

I don't think being fat is being a failure. It was just in my mind I felt I was being punished for something. It goes back a long time to being abused as a child, but that's neither here nor there. For me personally, being fat felt like I was being punished. Now I've been given the key I've been seeking all my life to get rid of the fat and that's gonna screw with your mind.

So today, I feel much better. A lot to do with it being bright blue and sunny today, instead of grey. I'm allowing myself to relax, to take the time I need to do absolutely nothing. I'm also being really gentle with myself and making sure I get everything I need. I'm taking the vitamins I'm supposed to, I'm taking the fibre powder I'm supposed to. I'm not excessively 'eating'. Looking after myself, being gentle with myself is a new experience for me.

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